[[Leia]] was [[struggling]] to [[find the words]] for [[their current state]].
Mid-20s, [[Chinese-Taiwanese-American]], attending [[graduate school]] at NYU for [[Interactive Telecommunications]]. Struggling says so little, but means so much. Here, struggling means to be trying without success, or trying with some success but perhaps much side damage along the way. There is no healing without struggle, but some days it can be a bit much.
[[Leia]]'s struggled with being [[Chinese-Taiwanese-American]], with sexuality, with feeling safe. This was a bit of a trend of late. [[Leia]]'s latest project had been about words and [[lack of fluency]]. So much of being in [[graduate school]] has been about finding the right words, the right expression. Somehow she has so much clarity and so little at the same time.
That is, [[struggling]]. She's been on the verge of crying for days, and has done so a few times already. She is currently floating in between feeling resentful of everything, seeing herself as not-enough in every way, and desperately trying to make up for it. She hopes that this is not the [[beginning]] of a new trend. [[Leia]]'s [[mother]] is Chinese, from Hong Kong. There's lots to tell but it's hard to [[find the words]], seeing as she barely knows this history herself.
Her [[ father ]] is Taiwanese by virtue of invasion. There are more words for this side of the family, but less connection. A fire through which to forge the thing they will become. So far, the 7 months [[Leia]]'s been attending it has sent their self-esteem to highs and lows never achieved before. They are [[capable of everything]] and [[knows nothing]]. They've worked on a project about [[lack of fluency]], created small charming things, and had her eyes opened to an entirely new world of [[incredible people]].This is an entirely meaningless set of words. In reality, Interactive Telecommunications should be translated into New Media Art, aka making things at the intersection of art and technology, aka figuring out new and novel ways of either [[expressing yourself]] or taking money from [[companies]]. A writing for another day. Both an [[attempted fluency project]] and a [[personal state of in-fluency]].
Recently, [[Leia]] tried to create a project out of not knowing how to speak Mandarin. It stunk. She's never been very good at Mandarin, not since her grandmother moved out of the house when she was 10 (or 11?). Any fluency she'd had with the language vanished.
She's made attempts at re-learning since her days with sunday chinese school, but Duolingo only takes you so far. And not being very good at this tugs at a sensitive spot. She's learned a lot about how to learn, and that she just needs to get out there and *make*. She's tackled a lot in her first 7 months of living in New York. She recently learned both that she might *actually be an artist*, and that she knows very little about putting herself into that art. She's [[beginning]] to call herself an artist. [[Leia]]'s surrounded by [[incredible people]] creating deeply meaningful work. Right now, she's working on what [[lack of fluency]] feels like and is trying to recreate it to understand it better. Before [[graduate school]], she had worked at Square (now Block) and a few other Silicon Valley Techy places, like Google and Dell. A writing for another day. And boy, are there some INCREDIBLE people. [[Leia]] has never felt so in awe of the people around them, so in [[community]], so constantly challenged and inspired and full of joy. There is so much love for all of them. Now THAT's a doozy. Community is somehow both ubiquitous and hard to find; through countless conversations, it's been the running theme that the community is what makes [[ITP]] stand out. The [[Interactive Telecommunications]] Program at [[NYU]]. This might be the first school that Leia has to get swag for.
↶↷Leia was struggling to find the words for their current state.